1862 October 31 Fauquier County, Va.

 [from the diary of Anne Madison Ambler Willis]

Before I was dressed heard that the troops
were moving & we all went on the upper porch
to see them.  Was called to breakfast & afterwards walked
into the field with E[mma] & B[ertie] to get a nearer view.
Saw them all off & then came home to read
but my mind was so disturbed, that I was not
much benefited: Patty came up from the river
with Nat. on horseback & we all enjoyed seeing
her & hearing her talk: Did not spend my
[?] as usual = & could not write in
my Diary--sat up [?] quite late so
that I was sleepy: & not able to enjoy
my psalm. (There is no real religion
in me. I almost fear, Why should I (?) so
cold if I were a true Christian-It seems
to me that if I knew what it was to love
God at all, I would never feel as I do I
(?) to feel differently soon for an hour
is a (?) for me, so cold so impenitent
  I fear God more than I love him  &
"Perfect love casteth out fear", sometimes
I feel that all of my profession comes
from fear=Oh, God show me the way
more plainly- I have no earthly friend that
I can go to & it seems to me that my
Bible is anything to me.  Rather than
a light.  I know that it is my fault--I
have a cold impenetrable heart.

[portions transcribed in 1972 by her granddaughter Anne Madison Wright Baylor]

MSS 15406